A week until surgery...

5th February 2024

This week has been a week of mixed emotions. I have tried to rest as much as possible, fuel my body with good food and get out for a couple of walks to move my body.

My mind keeps rushing to the outcome, the future, with a number of possibilities, not always kind ones. I keep reminding myself 'Healing first and everything else will follow'. I repeat 'I can't know for sure as it hasn't happened yet' knowing that my mind is trying to protect me from the unknown and is working through the many possibilities that of course... It doesn't yet know for sure.

The nights are worse as when i'm lying in bed and everything is quiet, it's the perfect time for my mind to start ruminating 'What if...' and 'What next'. I have found meditation and anxiety hynotherapy really helpful in the nights to prevent me from losing sleep. I allow myself to get excited about the endless positive opportunities ahead and the things i'll be gaining following surgery.

I wrote myself a letter to my post surgery self with all of the things i'll be doing when i'm able to. I wrote some words i'd say to my best friend to remind myself how import self-love and compassion is right now. I also wrote a bucket list of things i'd like to do post surgery including: seeing my family and friends, having my hair cut and blow dried, having a pedicure, getting my eyebrows and lashes tinted (you can tell self-care has gone out of the window currently), go to the gym and a night out with NBH. They may all seem superficial but I know they will make me feel better.

I went to see the menopause nurse today and left feeling heard and that I have options following surgery. I will go back after surgery and get my first HRT prescription. I am grateful to incredible nurses like Monica for advocating for women's health and Menopause.

I had a good session with my therapist today, we spoke about the benefit of thinking of how you will feel when you have healed. Visualising the healing ahead of the event. It's almost like act and feel the way you want to do in order to mentally get yourself into that frame of mind.

Today (Wednesday 07/02/24) I woke up and started day 1 of my liquid diet. I was worried as I do enjoy my food and at the moment with not much else going on it's been a comfort to enjoy my meals. I had a protein shake with banana for breakfast, a soup for lunch and have had a coffee and a tea. Tomorrow i'll be on a clear liquids only diet and start my bowel prep and antibiotics.

I made an effort with my outfit and jewellery today and even put perfume on. Only to go for a 30min dog walk in the nearby park! It's the little things that make you feel a bit better. I've felt cheerful ever since.

I feel so ready now to get the surgery completed and behind me so that I can embark on healing and recovery and the rest of my life that lies ahead. Someone reminded me today that I had put in the hard work, researched doctors and consultants and asked all of the right questions. They said I hadn't once given up, but instead advocated for myself and others. That meant so much to read and it helped me remember who I am, what it had taken to get here and to not brush the effort off so easily.

I have trust that this surgery will be a missing part of my puzzle and a launch into a new momentum for the future and all the good things ahead to come.

I will write a post following my surgery and share some pictures.

Take Care

LBH x